They say that the first year is the hardest, and in a sense I think that’s true. The first year is the one where you have to deal with the stages of bereavement for the first time.

But the first year is the time that you’re allowed to have your emotions on your sleeve; the time when it is socially acceptable to burst into tears at impromptu moments. I think it is the days, months and years after that first one when it is truly hard.

By then you’ve had a year to grieve and people don’t understand why you get so emotional so you keep it inside. Hold those emotions in because you tell yourself that you’re supposed to be over the bereavement stage now. You must get on with your life. You can no longer be sad, angry and confused over their death anymore.

You say sad, angry and confused because those are the main emotions you know you’re supposed to feel even though in reality it is far more complicated than that. Regardless, you must keep everything that you feel inside from now on. That means no being sad in front of everyone when you are reminded of them: and you are reminded of them a lot.

The mourning period is over so it would confuse people as to why you are suddenly so distraught when you go anywhere near the place they used to live or do anything that you did together. And you can’t explain that it’s the memories of them that come flooding back and you realise all over again that you will never be able to make new memories or relive old ones with them. You cannot talk to family members unless they are close as they are all trying to move on as well and you know that bringing it up won’t help them. You do what you do best and pretend that everything is perfect and in the moments when you are truly alone that is when you release all the pent up rage and sadness and melancholy. That is when you can shed a tear over your loss. That is when you can question why you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or why you didn’t do a particular thing for them that one time they asked. That is when you can wonder if you did enough for them or if they stayed in hospital that bit longer could they have been alive today.

This is also the time when you scold yourself for letting yourself slip again. The time when you make a conscious effort to keep your crying as quiet as possible so no one else hears. The time when you hug yourself because you’re too ashamed to go get one from someone else. The time when you know that the first year is not the hardest.